This reality is really just a fucked up dream.

What am I doing? Just what the fuck am I doing? I shouldn't even be talkign to him. He fuckign ruined me. He ruined my life. Or made it better, either way, he fucked something up. He broke my fucking heart. I was only lucky that Bran could come and kind of salvage the remains, but now he thinks he can just waltz back in and pick up where we left off? Uh, no. Not gonna happen. Not gonna happen. This is so not gonna heppen. and he really needs to let go of my hand.

We walked back to the bus area, heading straight toward the one and only Avenged bus, which made my skin crawl. I mean, there were only three things you could could do on there with Brian, or Synyster Gates, and all of them ultimately lead to the last thing. You could watch a movie, then have sex. You could drink, then have sex. Or you could just skip the fun part and gor right into haveing sex! I was so out of it.

"You know, I, uh, I don't think this is such a good idea," I voices out loud, taking my hand from Brian's and stopping where I was. He turned back and smirked a little.

"Aww, are you nervous?" he questioned, stepping toward me again. I looked down at the ground.

"A little, yeah,"

"Why?"

"Cause Brian, there's only one thing that all of this will lead to, and I'm going to regret it in the morning and I'm going to curse your name all over again and it's not gonna solve anything!"

"How do you know it won't?" He asked, almost mad as he stepped right in front of me.

"Because nothing will fucking change what happened between us and nothing will make me forget what you did to me!" I screamed, throwing my hands up into the air. I was feeling all different emotions, anger, sorrow, pain, nastalgia(If that's an emotion) annoyance, and things of that area. But the whole time, Brian just looked at me as I ranted, "It hurt so bad when you fucking left and I knew that I was going to raise this baby without his real father. I mean, Brandan is an amazing father, but he's not the real one. I would have done anything to have Brendon look at you the way he looks at Bran, but you and your fucing father fucked that one up pretty well, didn't you? and to top it all up-" that's about when Brian did the cliche thing. He just stpped forward again, grabbed my face with his hands and kissed me. I couldn't really tell if it was because he wanted to or because he just wanted me to stop talking. Either way, it worked. I was silent.

I was silent, and thoughtless, and completely shocked at my own reaction to it because my reaction was something to be compared to a puddle. I completely melted into him and re- lived every kiss we'd ever shared. I had butterflies in my stomach by the time he pulled away. I looked up at him with watery eyes and he just smiled a bit, brushing a pice of hair out of my face.

"Just for tonight," he whispered, as if he still needed to convince me, "Just let me show you what we could have again."

I looked down and contemplated it, though it wasn't any good since my thoughts were totally muddled and unclear, "Okay," I agreed, taking his hand again.

Walking off with him again, I had no idea how much this would hurt me in the future, and I had no idea how much I had just hurt those black eyes that watched from a distance, sipping his sprite and fighting with himself over what to do.


"You want anything to drink?" he questioned, going to the refrigerator, "We have Heinekin, Jack, Bud, Shiner, and... coke?" he picked up the red can and looked at it strangely, turning it around and reading the white curly letters on it.

I laughed and walked over to him, "You know you've got a drinking problem when you don't recognize a coke can, Bri," I told him, taking the can from his hand as he wrapped an arm around my waist. I just smiled and opened the coke.

For tonight, I was living like we had never stopped, like Brian had never left, like Brandan never stepped in, like we were still in love. So far, it was very relaxing.

"What, trying the whole no alcohol thing?" He questiond, placing a kiss on the back of my neck so that I shivered a bit.

"No, it's just that when I wake up and regret all of this, I don't want a headache to make it worse," I teased, though it was true, and a little cruel, but I think he got my point because he just chuckled and grabbed my hand, leading me to the bunk where his portable DVD player was sitting on his bed next to a copy of Titanic. "You're kidding, right?"

"No, everyone loves Titanic," he said, motioning for me to get in the bunk so he could follow. I made myself comfortable, being careful not to spill my coke all over the place while Brian set up the DVD, pressing all but three buttons before the screen popped up.

"You are so high- tech," I said sarcastically. He shot me a grin and nodded.

"I know, it's beastly," I snorted and shook my head, setting my can down on a small wooden part of the bunk that separated it from the wall. Once done, I settled myself on what I presumed to be Brian's bicep just as the movie started.


About two hours later, I perked up, "you so did this on purpose," I muttered, watching the couple on screen run aruond the boat, away from those trying to catch them.

"I don't know what you mean," Brian said a little groggily.

"You knew that hot, steamy car sex turns me on," I said bluntly, trying not to laugh.

He just lifted an eyebrow and studied me, "It does?"

I shook my head, "No, but it's gonna be an awkward scene to watch,"

He looked at me for a little while, confused at first, then grinned deviously in a very suggestive way, "Then don't watch it," Bri uttered before placing his lips on mine again so that I had to inhale sharply. That amused him, I could tell by the way he laughed a little. Still, the feeling of his mouth on mine was like no other and I was completely helpless and defenseless against him... again.
 

Rant time! Yay!
Gah, this is so messed up. I can't even like, ugh.
Okay, so I've got this friend who is going out with this guy.
And I normally wouldn't mind, except for the fact that he's a fucking dickweed.
It was cute the first couple of times, but now, just no.
The first time was when she was in sixth grade.
And it was cute, because they were from totally different worlds.
He was the prized jock, and she was the worthless emo, not in my opinion though.
And this is what bothers me.
They broke up, then this year got together again.
It was okay, cause once again it was cute.
He got her a fake rose sprayed with his cologne and everything.
Touching, but a fucking waste!
Once again, they break up.
Woop-dee-fucking-doo.

Here's another thing that bothers me.
We're walking in the mall one day, and she's babbling on about how it's going to be so hard to get over him.
NEWSFLASH!
You're in fucking seventh grade.
It lasted for, what, two months at the most?
Yeah, real hard.
And how fucking far did you get.
I'm sure you didn't make out with him.
Walk to a playground in the rain.
Feel like you were the only thing keeping him living.
Feel like he was the only thing keeping you living.
Yeah, that's when it's hard to get over someone.

Let's see, did you really cry into this guy?
Did you ever watch a movie by his side?
A scary one where he wrapped his arms around you?
Did he hug you from behind in front of the teachers that would be amazed?
Did he tell you that you looked beautiful in his jacket?
Did he write you notes every fucking day signed with I love you?
Did he hold you during a thunderstorm?
Did he text you every morning wishing you a good day?
Did he have the look in his eyes saying he never wanted to let go of you?
Did you have that same look?
Did he have you on strings, dancing like a puppet?

Did he rip your fucking heart out?

I didn't fucking think so.

So, back to my original tale.
My original subject.
So, we backstabbed this guy.
Talked about he was no good.
She'd come to me, saying he said this, or he did that.
And honestly, I never would give a flying fuck.
I would just shake my head and call him a manwhore,
that she she should be glad she's not with him anymore.
He's no fucking good, and I think she knows it.

But nooo, all of a sudden, they're dating, again, for what, the third, fourth time?
I've been through this situation before.
I didn't like the guy too much.
I got a bad vibe from him.
I didn't like him touching my friend in any way.
I didn't like the fact that he had her heart on strings.
I didn't like the fact that no matter how hard I tried to convince her, and guess what.
I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!
And guess who she came crying to when he ended it.
Me.
Yeah, that's right.

I knew that all this was going to do was get me mad.
Bring up memories from the past.
But what ever.

I'm just going to tell you this.
When it's over, again, don't come bitching to me.
You know my views.
And you better fucking think before you complain to me about that fucking bastard.
I've had enough.

There ya go.
--Missy[is getting way to sick of life]

So, I have a bit of an...issue at the moment.
Well, I always have issues.
Actually I am just going to name out my main ones.
Notice the s at the end of that.
It is plural.
So, here it goes.

-One of my best friends likes this girl, and the girl likes him back. The problem is, my friend is a little on the...different side. He is not like everyone else. He is interested in things Normal people are not interested in. So, my fear, is that this girl is going to find the real him when they start going out, and hurt him. He does not have many girlfriends. In fact, he has only had one, and he is 14, almost 15. But, I just do not trust the girl. I do not at all.

--My friend, Sarah, is kind of like going out with this junior. She is an 8th grader. That is not why I am a little upset. I barely am at all. The only reason I am even considering this as a problem is the fact that he is a little on the annoying side. I can tell he is going to be ultra clingy. They started going out like 2 days ago and they have already had tongue wars, ew. This guy also happens to be one of those people that is kind of low on the social ladder, you know. I am not bothered by it, it is just that he would stoop low enough to date an 8th grader. But, I guess if it makes Sarah happy, I will pass it. He is not as bad as Necco, her ex, he is a whole different kind of annoying.What is gonna bother me though, is that he is probably going to like take over her life. He is going to start coming to youth group and everything. Whatever. I will deal with it.

--This is just a mild problem. There are two girls that ride my bus and think they are all hardcore and what-not. I am like Dude, you are only a 6th grader. Do not even try. They have a good taste in music though. It is just the fact that she thinks (Yes, it is mainly one of them. the other one keeps her mouth shut.) she is all cool for talking to an 8th grader and things of that sort. It gets kind of annoying.

As you can see, I get annoyed quite easily. But what is really getting at me these days, eating at my insides, gnawing on my bone marrow, I think you get the point, is...

I really like this guy that goes to my church. And he likes me back. the catch is, while he likes me, he also happens to like about three other people. It is quite frustrating seeing as how we never stop flirting and playing around with each other. I do not know what is to happen between us. what I do know though, is that whatever is going to happen, needs to hapen quick. Because I am not going to be able to keep this up. It is too hard. I just like him too much. I know it sounds corny at this age, but I am talking teenage romance here. Not like fucking Gone with The Wind romance. so deal with it. I am not claiming to love him. I just really like him. Okay? Okay.

So, yeah. hose are my problems at the moment. I will post a couple of journals like this every so often. don't bitch at me for ever sounding emo, ever saying that I like someone too much (which if you complained about then it is probably not true.) I would never say that I loved someone unless I mean it. But okay. Just, do not criticize my writing. I complain a lot. If you want to read something that is happy, then go read a book about an elf or something. This is not the journal for you. (I totally just pulled a Lemony Snicket!)